I was lucky to join a fabulous group of women at a recent Moon Circle, guided with great compassion and skill by my astrology teacher Babula.

Through the lens of my Aquarian Moon, I saw myself and my patterns of behaviour in a whole new light. It was amazing. What’s more, I felt a strong sense that this is what astrology is all about. The chart as tool for self-understanding. A way to, if you will, think outside the box. To break free, if only for a moment, from ingrained patterns of thought.

My natal chart (the map of the sky as seen from the Earth at the moment of my birth) shows my Moon in Aquarius. The Moon rules watery Cancer and is tactile, associated with the mother, intimacy, the inner child. By looking to the sign in which the Moon was located at our time of birth, we can start to understand our inner life and emotional needs.

What, then, are the emotional needs of Aquarius, a fixed air sign ruled by renegade Uranus? Aquarius typically functions ‘in the mind’ and can be detached, intellectual – even emotionally cold. ‘Aquarius finds his reality in his ideals’ says Liz Greene. Aquarians are often frightened by their feelings because emotions cannot be intellectually understood or reasoned away. However much you try.

Example:

I tend to dwell. Replay events in my mind. Identify the things I should have done, or not done. ‘Why did I mention x? It was so tactless.’ ‘Why did I order the risotto? The salad would have been so much better for me’. ‘I should have focused more on other people instead of going on and on about work. How incredibly thoughtless and boring I must have seemed’.

There are a million variations. Breaking it all down, I am basically telling myself over and over again that I have failed.

It’s exhausting, but…

…for as long as I can remember, I’ve been convinced that this is actually helpful. By endlessly dissecting myself, I prepare to do better next time. And eventually I’ll become the person I want to be.

Aquarians have big ideals…

…typically relating to humanity. Environmentalism. The rights of the child. The future of society. The plight the survivors of the Chinese earthquake. And so on. Big ideas, big concepts – which Aquarius then translates to the microcosm of person-to-person relationships. Constructing standards of behaviour from which no-one is exempt.

Least of all themselves. Aquarius often has a ‘very noble but not very psychologically helpful’ horror of being selfish, says Greene. The Aquarian conscience can be so finely honed and sensitive as to make life unbearable.

Today’s lesson: not everything in life need be a lesson

The truth is that by dwelling on my mistakes, I’m not helping myself to improve at all. By ruminating I breathe life into my negativity. And set myself up to fail, again and again.

What if I just accepted the way things are? The way I am, right now? Every fibre of my being rebels against the thought!

But my old patterns of thought have never worked for me. And I am finally realising that they never will.

During my astrological browsings this morning, I discovered that this week Jupiter sesquisquared Saturn (Thursday evening EST). A sesquisquare, or sesquiquadrate, is three times the semisquare, resulting in an angle of 135°.

So – what does that mean? A thought-provoking post on Inspiredastrology says that, because the two planets govern the workings of society (Jupiter = hope and Saturn = rules), this sesquisquare highlights our attempts to balance personal goals with our responsibilities and obligations. ‘The rules, as you’ve always followed them, may seem especially limiting and off-course. There may be something else you need to be doing for your future success, yet you already have an obligation.’

I mention this because last night I experienced a stronger-than-usual crisis of conscience. I was reading Steven Forrest’s The Inner Sky, trying to work out what my Aquarius moon in the 9th house might mean. Rereading the chapter on Aquarius, I was struck by its significance as never before. Sentences leaped out: ‘The Water-Bearer’s mortal enemy is the tribal instinct’; ‘The battering ram takes many forms, but in essence it is the pressure brought upon us by our culture to conform to an established pattern of behaviour’; ‘Somewhere, deep in the core of her psyche there has to be a conviction that her perceptions are valid’ (emphases his). The 9th house: ‘All our views of reality are conditioned by an unspoken model of the world – and that model is always arbitrary and limiting’; ‘We must intentionally move to break up our routines of behaviour and thought’. Finally, a question posed by the moon: ‘What kinds of experiences are most essential to my happiness?’.

Last night, I reviewed my life and saw how, brick by brick, I had steadily constructed my own prison. Believing the stories I was told, I devotedly acquired everything I ‘needed’. A job. A mortgage. A car. Various insurance policies. Nice clothes. And in doing so I frittered my energies away, at the expense of that which will make my life truly worthwhile.

It’s not a pleasant feeling. We know that the path that leads us away from the norm is not an easy one. But how much harder – each and every grinding, dreary day – is the alternative?

Of the Jupiter Saturn sesquisquare Inspiredastrology says ‘Your obligations may be from the past, but they also represent your own need for safety and security. If this has become a burden, you may be realizing how you have restricted your own growth through your beliefs.’
Tick.

But this time also offers hope: ‘Why shouldn’t things work out? Try to think of what blocks you have put in your path to greater success and abundance. As Jupiter is also in a supportive aspect to Uranus, this is a time you can break through old beliefs that have prevented you from accessing your intuition and experiencing life spontaneously. This is a time you can recognize and release old judgments and criticisms that keep you locked just where you are. If you want to move beyond whatever feels blocked, you can do it with your own willingness to grow, experience, and develop.’